Punching a hole in the universe

I saw this tweet shortly before the end of 2016:

And I kept going back to it, because it resonated with me. About what I’m trying to do with a few things — with my work for WooCommerce, with convincing people they’re able to create content, with (most recently) my talk at WCUS about overcoming your fears and speaking in front of people.

Sometimes it feels like I am punching, and punching, and punching — theoretically, of course — but nothing is happening.

But I kept going back to that tweet, and reading it again, and thinking about it. And everything that I am doing, and, ultimately, the kind of difference that I want to make in this world. And I’m sort of on the right track, but something was nagging at me — like I wasn’t 100% there. The depression hasn’t helped (it hasn’t really softened since September, though I’m starting to believe Prozac just isn’t the right choice for me at a higher dosage, based on some of the side effects) but I think I also just needed a swift kick in the ass.

So, I cracked my knuckles, made a fist, got really brave one night and volunteered for the Girl Scouts.

Where I end up and what I do is TBD, but I’ve been approved as a volunteer already. Ultimately, I want to follow in my mom’s footsteps and be a Brownie or Junior troop leader. There are actually multiple established troops in the area that don’t have leaders or co-leads, so there’s a good opportunity there.

This kind of thing resonates with the kind of dent I want to leave — the kind of person I want to be. I want to be known as someone who can help others, and solve problems, and be a good role model. And I want to spread kindness, and see more of it in this world.

This is just one way for me to punch harder. And harder. Until maybe one day I punch clean on through to the other side, where the air is clean and nobody dares frown and I can say with confidence that I’m worth it and always have been.

I can do hard things

My depression’s been flaring up again recently. I could speculate about why or what’s caused it, but the truth is probably that nothing caused it, it just is. (Repeat after me: I have a chemical imbalance in my brain…)

So recently it’s taken a bit more effort than usual to do things that might otherwise be effortless or only a little bit of a struggle. But the difference now is that I’m able to recognize my depression for what it is — an imbalance, a temporary battle, something I am fully capable of overcoming — and many times power through.

That’s what I was thinking when I posted this tweet the other day:

Making lasagna isn’t exactly rocket science. But it does take about two hours, plenty of ingredients, a lot of patience, and time spent in the kitchen. I also haven’t cooked in a while, save very basic meals.

So when I willingly said “I’m going to make lasagna” and then did it and then it came out delicious, all of this at the height of my depression, I was proud.

Small victories. You have to embrace them. They will keep you going.

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